How to Stop Being Concerned About What Others Think of You
Constantly worrying about what other people think is a tragedy.
I'll admit it: I'm a worrier.
Rewind to my high school years, and I'm quite sure I could be classified as a professional worrier.
Everything would send my thoughts spiraling and my head racing. Because I didn't want to upset anyone, I would spend my time tiptoeing around my teachers, friends, and family.
That carried over into my professional life until I discovered a few minor facts about worrying.
Worry is present in everyone.
“There is nothing noble about being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self” Ernest Hemingway
There is an unending list of things to be concerned about. I mean literally infinite:
- Concerned about not having enough enjoyment.
- Concerned about not being cool enough
- I'm concerned that I'm not smart enough.
- I'm concerned that I'm not happy enough.
In general, we are concerned in some way about not living life 'correctly.' As if there were a correct way to do things. And we're not concerned with doing life 'right' for our own, selfish gain. Don't be ridiculous, please. We're frequently concerned that others may think we're not doing things correctly.
No, we're not talking about friends, relatives, or coworkers. The majority of the time, we're discussing strangers or third-order relationships. Folks we've only met a few times and only engage with on the internet, in other words, ones we don't know at all, are the people we're concerned about impressing.
Just writing that out and going over it in my brain gives me a headache. What a waste, are the only thoughts that come to mind.
"Oh, I'm concerned about what other people may think."
Worrying in our professional life might be detrimental to our progress.
Worrying over how aggressive you were at a meeting, if you came across as domineering or blunt, about that presentation and whether you were eloquent enough.
Worry may be found anywhere. It's practically everywhere. This morning, sitting at my desk, I had a list of 17 things to be concerned about.
I'm even concerned that I'm not worried enough. I'm not kidding when I say I used to worry that if I didn't have something to worry about, I wasn't worrying enough. How is it even possible?
So, in despair, I questioned, "How do we not care?" How might we dampen this anxious response? So I went to the largest brain of them all... the internet.
The good news, and the first point, is that this isn't a "you" problem. If you just read that and thought, 'yeah, welcome to my life,' you're not alone. That brings me neatly to my next point.
Jeez, 50,000 thoughts each day.
The most reasonable place to begin is to gain some perspective on your worries.
Sean Kim published a wonderful post about how to quit worrying and live a better life, and one of his opening points was how much people think about you and how much they think about themselves. The ratio has a calming effect on the soul.
According to a National Science Foundation research, persons have 50,000 ideas every day. Basic math skills are useful here. Assume that someone had two thoughts about you today. You could be shaking your head at that amount, two entire thoughts, but consider this: 2 ideas = 0.004 percent
Even if someone thought about you twice today, it would be a drop in the bucket compared to what they think about on a regular basis.
What is the conclusion? You're not that unique.
In a good way, I say that. To reduce some of the tension that others are continuously thinking about you. The truth is that they aren't; they're too preoccupied with their other 49,998 ideas.
From being self-centered to becoming 'other-centered' (is that a word?)
Raj Raghunathan Ph.D. states in an essay that it is disturbing because of the humiliation we feel when we erroneously fall outside the limits of the moral code.
We're embarrassed because we've gone against the grain, which makes us feel ashamed of our actions. This causes us to feel concerned about our actions. But that is a self-centered point of view.
He claims that switching from a self-centered to a 'other-centered perspective' is the greatest way to worry less.
He's basically stating that if you concentrate your intents on being nice and compassionate, you'll worry less. This is because you are confident that your motives are pure. If you can lean into your objectives, you might take solace in knowing that you were behaving in accordance with who you are.
"I did 'x' because I believe in it," you might say, and keeping loyal to your convictions is part of your identity. Then you relieve some of the strain to be concerned.
Deep empathy might help you worry less about what other people think.
Developing great empathy, according to Raj, can assist.
We relieve ourselves of extra concern by being able to say, "They were in a foul mood today, so there was no chance this was going to go well, and that's good."
Knowing that injured people tend to harm people, according to Raj, is a talent because it allows you to rationalize what's occurring and let yourself not to worry about it.
It has nothing to do with your presentation if your boss awoke on the wrong side of the bed, but everything to do with their sleeping patterns. It's not anything you should be concerned about.
People-pleasing leads to a shaky sense of self.
Sean Kim brings up another argument that is worth considering. It's a contentious issue.
Why do you want to satisfy others in the first place? We are all unique as individuals. It's not a negative thing if others disagree with you. We've been programmed to believe that this is a terrible thing, but it isn't.
In terms of business, it's really quite beneficial. In fact, the disagreement has been identified as a possible "key to commercial success."
That's because we're a herding species, and the fear of being left out causes us to comply. But we live in a different world than our forefathers, therefore Sean believes you should speak up and express yourself; chances are, no one will care anyhow.
Here's Sean's recipe for not caring what other people think.
Understand your core values.
Make an effort to be seen.
Surround yourself with self-assured individuals.
Make a list of the things you are afraid of and cross them off one by one.
Being connected with your actual beliefs is liberating because once you understand what your "stake in the ground" is and why you have these deeply held principles, other people's perspectives become less harmful.
Experiment in public. By putting yourself out there, you are allowing others to criticize you and stating, "It's great because I know my beliefs."
Sean then discusses surrounding oneself with confident individuals. It's no secret that we pick up on the attitudes and behaviors of those around us.
Finally, there is a list of potential growth areas. A list of things that frighten you. It's strange that we'd be afraid to accomplish anything when we know we're going to die one day. It makes perfect reason to be afraid of things that enhance the probability of death, but being afraid of anything else makes little logic.
It's strange to be afraid of beginning a YouTube channel, a business, or a project when there's nothing to lose. All of those things may be done on the side of whatever you're doing now until they become your full-time job, but being afraid to begin is foolishness.
Sean's recipe above is one approach to ensure you start worrying less.
1. Understand your values.
2. Make an effort to be visible
3. Surround yourself with individuals who don't give a damn about you.
4. Compile your list.